I Regret It!

Today, I friends over... Mikenzie and Bri. But, they decided to surprise me with Derek. I want to cry right now. I never see him at school, so I forgot him. He was almost completely erased from my memory. But today refreshed everything I loved about him. God dammit- I can't believe I fell for his act... He played it so good. It was effortless to sit there with him. I wish he didn't come, cause now I'm here. Crying. Again. And I have to start over from scratch. I have to forget him. Again. And I'm sitting here venting to James, again. He always seems to be online when I need him most.... I just want to crawl up into the feedle position and break down to little pieces. Why would they ever put me in that position? I was soooo happy when he got here, now wish I never met him. I wish there was a way to tell him how regretful I feel about EVERYTHING! How much I wish none of it happened. I have always said I would NEVER regret loving him. But right now, I regret everything. It's so... so... infuriated, depressed, dirt cheap, etc. I don't even want to see him again. I don't think I've ever felt so strongly about anything.

I just have to try... Wriiten at 7:45 am 8/18/08

I think I finally realized what I did to him. I was such a bitch. I feel so sorrry for the wrong I did him. It kills me to think about it. I cried again. This year, I wanna change. I wanna be nice like Ana Morris:) I don't wanna let my friends out of my grasp. And, I wanna thank Mikenzie Marie Campbell. She was the only one who ever saw me shed a tear for him. She was the only one I could talk to about him. She was the only one who saw the weakness that fled through my eyes day-in and day-out. And I wanna thank Joey Allen Taylor for helping me find myself. The week that I've spoken to him made me realize what a nice person I really can be. Because for some reason I talk to him differently than all of my friends, and for some reason I feel like I can talk to him about anything. Last night I told him I wanted him to help me through this. Last night I cried. Last night, I found a little bit more of myself. I wish I could say I won't cry over him again, but I can't. I will cry for him. Cause he was my life support. It took me awhile before I could get back on my feet and face school. He will never know the way he kept me on my feet. He has only been there for 9 months, but damn, he was there through a lot for that short amount of time. He was the greatest friend I ever had. It did teach me a lesson when he left. And, I would do anything to get him back, but I cant\: Maybe one day I will forget Derek Rojas permanantly. Forget the way he made me smile, forget the way he laughed, forget his jokes, forget every secret he ever told me, forget every phase of friendship I ever discovered with him, forget the way he always got what he wanted, forget the way he told me I was a dumb blonde, forget the dumb expressions that made me giggle, forget the way I could tell him anything, forget the way I felt at home when he was close. But most importantly, forget all the feelings and emotions I felt for him. I don't know if I can forget ANY of those, but I have to try.